Pushin’ + Pullin’ = A Silly Pissin’ Contest

If phrases like “I’ve got a forty foot pusher” and terms like “toad” frequently come out of your mouth chances are you’re a retired old fart who, though nomadic still thinks like a status obsessed workaday idiot.

As you might expect, I’m the sort of person who calls such people out, for Sophie and I are nomads, too. But our world is real, and we don’t live in an RV that’s as big as a house, with all the “comforts of home.” Though such comforts are occasionally nice, taking them on the road is simply pretentious. If you need such comforts, you’re missing the point.

So I naturally see asexual old timey guys as being too shriveled for any sort of literal whip-‘em-out-and-measure-‘em thank god. While I still admire the sight of my old, currently underserved and largely neglected dick first thing in the morning - when I still “rise” - I don’t want to see some old feller’s prick, thank you very much.

But that doesn’t mean I can’t be a prick at times and these status-obsessed people tend to draw it out of me. Once I start hearing the gospel these old farts preach about “forty foot pushers” and “toads” I start my own line of bullshit:

“I’ve got a twenty-nine foot puller,” I say, “and I’ll be damned if I know what a toad even is except perhaps a big ol’ lonely boy frog lookin’ for love all night long.”

Boy, the look they give me when I lay that on ‘em is precious, as if they’re suddenly thrust into the position of having to explain to me the meaning of life. I know that feeling, for it’s the same one I get each time I have to decide whether to explain my rights as a service dog handler to some ignorant asshole.

We all have our cross to bear, as it’s said,  and even though it may be a little evil for me to revel in being someone else’s “cross” I suppose it doesn’t hurt to sometimes tell someone, in a roundabout way that’s as polite as possible that they can take their “toad” and drive it up their forty-foot assholes.

George Carlin couldn’t have said it better:

“You’re know what’s nice about living on the ocean? You’ve only got assholes on three sides of you…” Amen. I’ll think of that next time we’re camped on the beach in Mexico.